My wife and I stood with the
bridal party. We watched the bride make her way down the gravel pathway that
led to her groom in the beautiful backdrop of the North Carolina Mountains.
From my angle, I could see the groom’s eyes by this time were filled with
tears. I have found that views on marriage are as diverse as the angles that peer
at the bride and groom on that day, but none of them weigh as heavily as the
views that the bride and groom share.
Linear thinking is
something that I am admittedly ashamed of having when I first traversed the
terrain of marriage. I carried the brunt of the responsibility for making a
living wage while I attended college, and my wife carried the brunt of the
responsibility of keeping the house and caring for children while she attended
college. Fellow couples were trying to model the same lives that we were trying
to live.
After beginning to recognize just how much my wife was doing while I was at work or school, I decided that the next time my wife was gone during the day after a busy weekend I would do “everything” that had to be done around our small apartment. I was so excited. I could not wait for her to get out of the door so I could surprise her by the time she got home. I worked from the time she left until the time she got home. Even though the washer was constantly going, I was unable to finish the laundry and the household chores for my family of five.
This was a real learning
experience for me. I realized that my wife was doing this with little complaint
day after day, week after week. In the process, I was failing to testify to the
image of God that is present with us in marriage. Our roles were too defined
and too concrete. I concluded that gender roles need to give way to a more equitable
process.
One of the critical arguments given by those who seek to see family life as hierarchical is the man-made concept of “created order.” The idea is that because God created man first, then woman, and then man and woman procreate to produce children, therefore God created them in order of the “chain of command.”
Created order tells us that even if the man is not that good at “bringing home the bacon” or the woman good at “playing house,” to just get over it because that is your place in society. People tend to put others in their place through linear thinking.
Man and woman are both
created in the image of a Trinitarian God. Marriage is perhaps the fullest illustration
of mankind being made in God’s likeness. While the popular illustration of the
trinity is a triangle, perhaps the triangle needs to be paired with a circle, representing
the fluidity that encompasses the three Persons of the trinity. Likewise, the
relationship between a husband and wife reflects the fluidity of the trinity
like a dance.
The Father testifies
to both the Son and the Holy Spirit. The Son testifies to both the Father and
the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit testifies to the Father and the Son. The three
persons of the trinity are equal. The triangle puts one or two of them on top
in superiority, not equals. The three Persons of the trinity dance together in
unity and fluidity with none of them in the position of lordship over the
other. The position of leadership and submission reciprocates among each Person
of the trinity.
In like manner, I testify
to my wife and my wife testifies to me. We reciprocate between being in a
position of leadership and submission depending on what the circumstance is
based on our strengths and weaknesses.
In rigid thinking, I
proclaim to my wife. My wife proclaims to “our” children. In turn, the children
testify to my wife and I, and my wife testifies to me. I “win” in the end and
my wife is left broken. When a spouse, or any other outside sources, puts too
many demands on what a particular spouse “should” do in marriage, it hinders
the image of God.
The image of God is in
my wife, and the image of God is in me! I testify to that image of God that
rests in my wife’s strengths and she does likewise.
When our marriage became dynamic, it became easier to navigate the rough terrain. It is
no longer about passing blame for why one is not making enough to pay the bills
or why the house is not clean. I pick up where she leaves off and she does the
same. I may be the only laundry basket toting, spatula wielding, children-bandaging
husband/dad/pastor that anyone knows, but that is a part of who I am. That is
not the total essence of “me,” but that is certainly a portion of it and I
would not trade it for anything in the world.
